By Dr. Laura McGuire
As a non-binary southerner, I’m all too familiar with society’s pushback to gender and sexuality exploration. Like so many other queer and trans folks, my process of finding the identity that feels best to me is one that is ever-evolving. Yet, from broader society—and often, from within the LGBTQ community—we’re not given the grace to navigate identity at our own speed, to be brave enough to come out over and over again as that identity evolves, and to stand in our lived truths.
We witnessed this firsthand last month, when singer Demi Lovato, who had come out as non-binary in May 2021 and subsequently adopted “they/them” pronouns, announced she would return to using “she/her” pronouns in addition to “they/them.” Lovato explained that while they previously felt as though their “masculine and feminine energy” were at a balance, they decided to start using “she/her” again because they were feeling “more feminine.” Most mainstream media outlets, however, ignored Lovato’s statements on the evolution of her identity, instead, accusing her of being attention-seeking, and questioning whether this change was related to her struggles with mental health and addiction issues over the years.
Being non-binary in this particular cultural moment can be a complex identity to hold. I was honored to sit down with Kollyn Conrad (he/him), executive director for Publicly Private, a nonprofit that aims to provide support and empowerment to underserved LGBTQIA+ communities, to discuss the evolution of identity and his personal experience of finding his way as a queer person in the South.
Dr. Laura McGuire: Your work with Publicly Private centers around meeting the needs of LGBTQ+ folks living in Tennessee and the South. Can you tell us a bit about your story and what drew you to this work?
Kollyn Conrad: I was born and raised in the Knoxville, Tennessee, area. From a young age, I was the odd kid out—the one who the bullies targeted; the one with no one to trust; the one who needed help. Being discreet to prevent further torment, I found myself in a space of personal disrespect. There were no private outlets for exploring my feelings. This lack of knowledge led to painful mistakes. Publicly Private was created with those in mind, the ones who need discretion while amounting the courage for respect. My life experiences led me to this work. The thought of creating a home that normalizes the well-being of our community conceptualized Publicly Private.
Why are the needs of queer folks in the South different from the needs of those who live in other areas? How does your organization work to meet those needs?
The southern United States continues to politically repress the needs of the LGBTQIA+ community. The lives of southern LGBTQIA+ Americans are on the ballot every election. Couple that with misshaping of religious ideals, and you present an overwhelming lack of resources to a major population. Publicly Private is designed to conveniently and discreetly fulfill those needs. Our resources are confidential, secure, and virtual. Not to mention, they’re delivered directly to you.
The conversation around pronouns is one still often met with hostility. Sharing our pronouns, changing our pronouns, and even mentioning pronouns have become hot-button issues. Why do you feel this is, and how can trans and non-binary southerners take care of themselves when navigating this?
Hostility stems from a lack of understanding or willingness to learn. Unfortunately, many people are quick to shut down topics of education. The trans and non-binary communities are the first to experience this lack of comprehension. Take care of yourself by preparing your corrections; always restate your pronouns until you’re heard. The battle for recognition is extremely difficult in the South, so give yourself gratitude for your bravery. Always find time for friends and surround yourself with a community that appreciates you. Awareness comes through conversation—consider sharing your experience to allow others in the community comfort in knowing they are heard. Publicly Private has the option for posting personal stories.
Demi Lovato recently returned to using “she/her” pronouns in addition to the “they/them” pronouns she adopted last year after coming out as non-binary. Some people in the media blamed her struggles with addiction for this perceived inconsistency. How would you address this accusation?
To state that Demi Lovato’s [identity evolution] is an inconsistency related to her addiction displays that we have yet to move forward on the discussion of mental health for the LGBTQIA+ community. Lovato is publicly displaying a very private journey to find herself. Addiction within the LGBTQIA+ community can oftentimes be linked to suppression. By restating her pronouns, she demonstrates the change many of us often feel as we settle into our identity. It is okay to live in a moment of uncertainty and explore. She’s bringing forth a much-needed conversation: identity can change.
Why do many people go through many different iterations of pronouns or labels before finding the right fit?
They’re simply testing what works for them. Knowing you don’t fit into the box society proposes is exhausting. Clarity comes with time and exploration. I personally tried a few labels before settling. I needed to forget the labels placed on me before claiming my own.
What advice would you give to individuals or the people who love them about supporting someone on their identity exploration journey?
Take time to sit in your moment of exploration and know it is perfectly normal. The thrill of life centers around discovery. At some point, exploration brings clarity. Venture until you have it.
To the loved ones, you’re going to see them struggle. The difficulty will be found in the unknown. Provide them with your compassion. Listen without judgment. Harbor a safe space. Know your support will make an impact.
