Is Dating Actually Worth It?

By Dr. Laura McGuire

Growing up, we’re all fed the same fairytale ending: We’ll find our person, they’ll offer us love and devotion, they’ll complete us, and together, we’ll settle into a life of fulfillment. From story books, to romantic comedies, to the arc of almost every book, romantic partnering is presented as the ideal.

Surprise, things aren’t that easy. Relationships end, divorce happens, and people get hurt. After a breakup, or even the death of a partner, those around us ask when we are going to put ourselves back out there. Because, of course, single people must be coupled in our society. It is seen as the ultimate goal that we all must work toward. If we counter by saying we aren’t interested in meeting anyone, people tell us not to worry, that there’s someone out there for us. And when we are partnered, our relationship is endlessly celebrated.

As queer people, we’re faced with a much smaller dating pool in general. While there are plenty of fish in the sea for straight folks, there are but a few fish in the lake (at best) or puddle (at worst) for us queers. Plus, if we don’t live near a metropolitan area, our options may even be dismal. On the flip side, if we no longer have any connection with our family of origin, we may crave partnership even more than our cishet peers.

But should dating, marriage, or partnership really be our end all be all? Or is this simply a notion forced upon us that needs to be further examined?

For some, the relationship journey is enough. Even if things fall apart, they feel that the process of loving and committing to another person was time well spent. They can look back with a feeling of gratitude even when things end poorly. But for others, we only feel disappointed and frustrated that our time, money, and mental energy was depleted for no tangible benefit. 

I am one of the latter. I look back on all of my previous relationships and feel that they were all pointless losses. Resources that could have been put into myself were wasted on others. Yes, we had some happy memories, but I have equally happy memories with family and friends—without the bitter or uncomfortable feelings of loss.

Everything in life is a cost/benefit analysis. Is the effort worth the potential reward? This year, I finally accepted that no matter how much I love connection and commitment, dating just does not give me the fulfillment I need to continue to expend the energy. I know others feel this way too but, because dating and relationships are seen as a vital part of life, seldom speak up. 

So, what if I stopped dating? Not for a short time or “until” something magical changes my mind, but as a committed and permanent choice in and of itself. What if finding a partner was something I turned off as an option? Would I really be losing anything or would I be gaining something that few people get to experience—self-fulfillment?

I know I am a connection person. Everything I do is for others. So who can I channel that energy into without the pitfalls of heartbreak? For one thing, I can take all of that energy and put it into my spiritual practice. After all, no relationship gives me the same sense of peace or purpose as my connection with God. All of the moments when I would be calling, texting, or visiting my partner, I could spend in prayer.

But what about loneliness? Being without a partner can at times leave us feeling alone in a dark and painful way. But then again, aren’t people so often lonely in relationships? Frequently, we’re stuck trying to connect to someone who is ignoring or pushing us away. Instead, I can find connections within my friendships—rather than leaning on one person, I can find support from a team of people who love and care about me.

In essence, all of the benefits of romantic relationships can be replaced with spirituality, commitment to a life purpose, familial relationships, and platonic friendships—all while leaving the possibility of heartbreak behind. No more fears of someone upending my life, having to get someone’s permission to move or even to cut my hair.

Maybe it is finally time to stop putting relationships on a pedestal and to start embracing singleness as an equally wonderful lifestyle. One of the great strengths of being a queer person is that we are constantly doing the work to better know and understand our authentic selves. Let’s use that power to remain independent and reject toxic coupling culture. Singleness doesn’t have to be a stop on the way to something better—it can be our final destination.